Tag Archives: #noh8

Who Transitioned With You?

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When someone transitions, they’ve no doubt put a whole lotta thought and heart into the decision. It’s a commitment that will affect the rest of their lives.

While they’re the ones who undergo the physical changes to alter their gender, they’re not the only ones affected. Family and friends are impacted, regardless of whether they agree with the choice.

I read a great article about this today and I thought I’d share it here. It discusses the story of Dade Barlow and Tiffany Grimes who were married as a same-sex couple before Barlow,  born female, transitioned to become a male. It’s a fascinating tale of watershed realizations and true love.

One of Barlow’s quotes struck me:

If you don’t recognize that your partner is having a process as well, your relationship is not going to work. It’s affecting both of you, so you need to pause and give breathing room.

It’s so true. While Barlow’s wife didn’t transition, she did ‘have a process,’ as he stated. Grimes said she actually “grieved” the loss of her wife before she could accept her new husband. She had to come to understand this was not a choice … it was who he was meant to be, and she needed to come to terms with that before she could move forward by his side.

The couple remained married and now has a child together.

For every story like this (and there likely aren’t many), there are hundreds more in which the partner couldn’t accept the decision and the couple split up. And then there are parents who can’t – or won’t – accept a child’s decision to transition. In these cases, the loved ones’ lives are altered in different ways, but impacted nonetheless.

For anyone who’s transitioned, I’d love to hear about how those around you “had a process,” whether it is a parent, spouse, or friend. Please feel free to share your story by commenting below or privately messaging me, if you prefer.

And for those who’ve gone through a loved one’s transition by their side, bravo for supporting them. Whether you agree or even understand, you embody the words “unconditional love.” And these days, that’s no small feat.

What’s Another Word for “Ballsy?”

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Guts. Chutzpah. Cahones. There are plenty of words to describe bravery. Who knew I’d be using them in this post to talk about children?

We hear about more people becoming comfortable with leading their authentic life and transitioning after years of feeling like they were born in the wrong body. I cringe to think of how uncomfortable that must have been for them, waking up each day and feeling like they just didn’t “fit.”

Which is why I’m so impressed when I read about young people who are figuring it out, and doing something about it, sooner. Like Jazz Jennings, star of TLC’s reality show, “I am Jazz.” Born a male, she’s a 14-year-old transgender female who’s been living as a girl since kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN! At such a young age, she knew! Her parents have been by her side the entire time, helping her to transition and be as comfortable as she can as a female.

And my sister just sent me a link to this article about Coy Mathis. Coy is now nine years old and featured in Growing Up Coy, a new documentary chronicling the Mathis family’s life. Coy was born a male but figured out pretty quickly she was supposed to have been female. She was six when she asked to use the girl’s restroom at her elementary school in Colorado. Six. I think at that point I was still trying to tie my shoes. (I’m slow sometimes.)

First, I’m in awe of these kids who know themselves so well at such a young age. I’m still figuring out who I am as a full-blown supposed grownup. Did I mention I am slow sometimes? These young people have a much better sense of self than I ever hope to have. And they’re a helluva lot more adorable besides.

I’m equally impressed with their parents for being incredibly supportive of a situation that they may not quite understand. That takes guts in a culture that often ostracizes, fears and shuns anyone who doesn’t fit the expected “norm.” Think about it: parents want to protect their children from hurt, harm and hate. And yet, by embracing their child and helping them to feel comfortable in their own skin, these parents are blamed by an often-judgmental society who not only spurns their child but also accuses them of coddling or confusing their kid. Wow. Talk about a tough spot.

There is plenty of sensitivity about this topic, and I’m beginning to understand why members of the trans community are reluctant, hesitant or even downright terrified to live their authentic lives. Fear of persecution is a pretty strong deterrent. I applaud those who choose to do so, whether they’re 8 years old or 80. Maybe if more young people choose to live their authentic lives, they’ll give others the courage others to follow suit. And if and when they do, I wish for them acceptance at every turn, from self-acceptance to inclusion.

I’m gonna wrap this up with a quote I love by Jessica Lange:

 “Acceptance and tolerance and forgiveness. Those are life-altering lessons.”

I can’t wait for us all to learn.

And I can’t believe I used “ballsy” in a headline.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ancient ancestors had it right

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You know how they say we can learn from the past? That applies to so many things. War. Economics. Fashion. And yes, even gender.

Maybe, just maybe, previous generations were on to something. Like the Native Americans, who recognized five genders. FIVE!

I find that fascinating. I learned so much in a  great article my sister shared with me. (The whole article is here.) In a nutshell, many many years ago, Native Americans recognized these five genders: male, female, Spirit male, Spirit female, and transgendered. They weren’t just inclusive … the article said people then were REVERED for being different:

In fact, people who had both female and male characteristics were viewed as gifted by nature, and therefore, able to see both sides of everything.

Sadly, that acceptance went by the wayside when European Christians got into the mix and started enforcing their own gender roles onto others. Religious influence brought prejudice with it, and forced openly androgynous people into choosing to live as either male or female.

Know another interesting thing? The Native Americans weren’t alone. Other older cultures were also more open minded than we are today, and seemed to live in harmony that way for eons.

Check out an article in the New York Times about how a Mexican town recognizes three genders, and has for generations. “Muxes” are people are born into male bodies but who identify as neither male nor female. They’re not only not ostracized, they’re also recognized as special. And they have been accepted as part of the everyday culture for years. According to the article:

A mixed-gender way of life was accepted in several pre-Columbian communities across Mexico, according to anthropologists and colonial accounts. It is unclear when the muxe tradition originated in Juchitán, or how it endured.

Unfortunately, like our own recent news, a bathroom controversy is brewing in this small Mexican community. Students at a local university there have recently complained – claiming hygiene issues – and now muxes are left without a bathroom when they’re at school. I am intrigued by the fact that muxes are mixed on whether having a third bathroom is a solution. Some think it’ll ease tensions; others feel it will create a bigger divide.

That’s something I haven’t seen discussed much here in the US. It’s easy to assume that labeling a bathroom as ‘non-gendered’ would fix our recent fights and calm the fears.

But would it? Or would it simply serve to further ostracize a group that already feels like outsiders, often even in their own bodies?

I’m sad to think this small Mexican community, which for generations has accepted its own for who and what they are, now has had even a slight shift in how it views its mixed-gender residents. I can only hope that they’ll consider the past … and rethink the future.

I guess I wish that for all of us.

 

 

Trans-parent, See?

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I was talking with a friend this week. He’s a trans dad and we discussed how that is different than any other father. I found it interesting that he doesn’t see many differences.

Sure, there’s the obvious: he didn’t actually father his son, because he’s trans. So like anyone who’s having fertility issues or for whatever reason doesn’t have a partner that can offer up those little swimmers, he and his wife used a donor.

They agreed his wife would carry the child, but that he would have a bigger say in who the donor would be. He’s half Japanese and wanted to find a donor that was too, so there was a greater likelihood that the baby would resemble him. But that’s something anyone who’s using fertility methods might take into consideration.

Are there issues? So far, no. Just some questions. My friend pointed out that there would come a time when he and his wife have to decide whether to tell their adorable son that his father is trans. There are definitely some decisions to make, but they’re not specifically related to my friends’ transition. Instead, they’re they same kinds of decisions any adoptive parent would have to make, or anyone else who came into parenthood in an alternative way: When and how to explain to a child how he or she came into being into its family.

I just found it really cool that … despite his transition … my friend sees himself as an ordinary dad with the same issues that any parent faces: keeping his child safe, raising a good kid, and being a role model for the next generation.

The more I learn about the transgender community, the more I learn they are so much more similar than many people think. They simply want to love and be loved, to accept and be accepted, and to live a good life. It seems the world at large still has a hard time seeing that, whether it’s due to a lack of understanding or choosing not to.

Are you a trans parent? Do you know one? I’d love to hear whether you’ve had a different experience than my friend. Perhaps by sharing it here, you’ll help someone else who’s facing a similar circumstance.

Happy Father’s Day to the trans dads out there. And to all the trans community, I will continue to learn – and do my best to educate others – about you.

With love and acceptance,

Lynn

When “Counting” Means More than Numbers

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I recently read an article about why the government cares about the number of Americans who are LGBT. It discussed how having an accurate count of the number of LGBT Americans could expedite changes in military policies, health care, grant funding and more. Important reasons, without question. And it makes perfect sense to me — after all, how can you adequately care for a population without knowing how large that population is?

BUT.

It also misses a crucial point, in my humble little opinion. Knowing how many of our fellow Americans are part of the LGBT community could mean recognizing that they are not some small, separate, segregated group that’s too inconsequential to matter. Dollars to doughnuts, I’d bet that if there were true, accurate and all-encompassing data available, the numbers of the LGBT community in this country are far greater than anyone realizes. Many of these people have chosen to stay silent for many, many reasons. Fear of discrimination. Fear of alienation. Fear of repercussions from family, friends, employers or places of worship. Fear of being attacked. Fear of being harassed about something as basic as using a bathroom.

Which means that too many of them haven’t felt the luxury of being honest about who they are. Luxury being the operative word there.

How sad is it that anyone in this day and age has to hide who they are for ANY reason? We like to think we’ve come so far as a society–and in many ways we have–but not in this one basic, HUMAN way. What if redheads were ashamed to let people know they had red hair and wore wigs to blend in? What if anyone with brown eyes wore sunglasses simply to hide their eye color because they were ostracized otherwise? These aren’t choices – they’re how we’re born. Those in the LGBT community are no different.

In my last post, I carelessly used the phrase “choose to live an alternative lifestyle.” I was mistaken for phrasing it that way, and I’m grateful a friend pointed it out to me. Those who are lesbian, gay or trans don’t CHOOSE to be so, anymore than I chose to be straight. They are who they are, just as I am. The difference is, I don’t have to hide it. Many of them don’t have that luxury … which is why the numbers that good ol’ Uncle Sam is trying to collect are not likely to be accurate any time soon.

I love that the government is trying to get this data, don’t get me wrong. It’s crucial that those who are LGBT be recognized as a legitimate community, with the same rights and benefits as the rest of us. Having those numbers can go a long way toward making that reality. I just venture a guess that the data the government comes up with won’t be truly representative, because so many people still feel they simply can’t speak up.

To those who do identify as any one of the letters in the LGBT world, my greatest wish is that, some day, you’ll feel the luxury of living your authentic life. If not, I understand why… I’m just so sorry you don’t feel you can. Uncle Sam’s numbers or no, I count you as important. You matter.

 

 

 

The battle schools didn’t see coming

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Forget lesson plans and PTA meetings. Schools are facing some huge changes in the coming years.

As I mentioned in a previous post, the number of trans students is increasing – and will likely continue to climb. That’s going to require schools to do extra homework when it com
es to how to manage a changing student population.

Some changes are already underway. The government just sent a letter to all public schools, outlining that they must let trans students use the bathroom and locker rooms of their choice or forfeit federal funding.

Being able to use the girl’s restroom sure would’ve helped now 18-year-old Eli Erlick, who was born male but began identifying as female when she was 8. Bathroom bans at her school led to this:

“I could not use the restroom for six years. I had to go home to pee. I had to pretend to be sick.” 

But the changes required to keep up with the increasing trans population won’t stall out in the bathroom. Schools need to be prepared to handle all kinds of different scenarios that will result with more transgendered students.

What about bullying? While many children seem to be far more accepting than we might expect them to be, trans kids provide an easy target for those looking for someone to pick on. With the suicide rate among transgendered people so high, additional – and perhaps specialized – counseling will be needed.

How will schools handle sports teams? Uniforms? Sex education classes? And rites of passage like “Prom King and Queen?” These questions are already arising in some schools across the nation, and I’m sure there are other issues that haven’t even cropped up yet.

Trans kids + schools = changes coming

Schools are tapped with protecting the physical and emotional safety of every student. Having more transgendered students will force schools to rethink how they handle gender-related topics. What it shouldn’t force is school-initiated discrimination, however unintentional.  Sad to say, based on many school systems’ reactions to the government-mandated bathroom guidelines, I’m not convinced they’re really ready for it.

Lessons I’m learning from kids I don’t know

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My recent blog posts have been lopsided. I’ve been completely focusing on the adult view of transgendered people and now I am reminded that I have neglected to consider things from a child’s view. Consider that changed.

Allow me to introduce you to “T,” a transgender 9-year-old in Los Angeles. Yes, you read that right… nine. Born a male, the third-grader wears dresses and feels “like a girl, not a boy.” T is the first openly transgender student in her school. (And thanks to Kim for making sure I knew about her!)

Surprised? Don’t be. I predict you’ll be hearing many more stories like T’s. Like Sam Moehlig, who was born female but identifies as male. Unlike T, Sam has undergone gender reassignment surgery to further his transgender journey. And there’s 18-year-old Eli Erlick, who was born a boy but began publicly identifying as female at age 8. She said it wasn’t a decision, but a realization.

“You don’t choose gender,” she said. “Why would someone choose? It’s not a choice.”

T, Sam, and Eli have plenty of company. Just a decade ago, Children’s Hospital Los Angeles saw about 40 transgender and “gender nonconforming” youth. Today, the same center sees about 600 transgender patients between the ages of 3 and 25. I can only imagine as people become more comfortable with the concept, that number will rise.

As a parent, I’d like to think that I’d support my child if one of them came to me and said they were trans. I know I’d sure try. It must be challenging as hell to get used to the idea, but making sure my kids are physically and mentally healthy and well-adjusted as possible is my goal: which includes wholly loving them if they’re any one of the LGBTQ alphabet soup.

There are those out there that think these kids’ parents are crazy for supporting their children’s trans journey. Arguments against it range from “they’re too young to know better” to “it’s a phase” to “messing with God’s plans.” But considering the significant suicide statistics among trans people, I applaud these parents for being supportive of their child’s feelings. Parental support promotes better self-esteem and helps act as a buffer against the bullying and discrimination these kids are bound to face from a world that doesn’t understand. Btw, here’s a very cool article with other stories of trans kids and their families’ reactions, if you’d like to read more.

I am pretty confident that T, Sam and Eli – along with their parents – won’t ever read this blog. But if I ever had a chance to talk to them, I’d say this:

Your journey is your own, as are your struggles. No one knows what it’s like to be in your shoes, and no one can define you but you. I applaud you for honoring your authentic self, and am grateful that you have your parents’ love and support to do so. I am sure this journey is not easy and there will be challenges as the world fails to understand who you are. But know that there are some of us out here who are trying, and who want nothing more than for you to live a life in which you feel accepted. You’re showing more courage at a young age than some do in a lifetime. Thank you for teaching us. I’m grateful to learn.

Readin’, Writin’ and Transgenderin’

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On Friday, US public schools got schooled. They received a letter from the US Department of Justice and the Education Department regarding transgender students.

The letter says public schools must permit transgender students to use bathrooms and locker rooms consistent with the gender they identify with. (Yes, I know it’s “with which they identify” but that sounds so awfully formal in my blog so I wrote it incorrectly. On purpose. Dangling participles be damned.)

In short, the letter spells out what’s expected of public schools in exchange for the federal funding they receive. Loretta Lynch is the Attorney General who sent out a statement along with the directive, which included the following statement:

“There is no room in our schools for discrimination of any kind, including discrimination of any transgender students on the basis of their sex.”

And schools are responding. Iowa cried foul. Texas called it blackmail, with the state’s Lt. Governor saying Texas will forfeit federal education money rather than follow the guidelines as they were laid out. Iowa, North Carolina

What’s interesting to me is this: I have two kids, both in middle school. They’re old enough to understand the situation and they’re perfectly fine with the idea of transgender students using whatever restroom they choose. Their friends seem to be, as well. Perhaps I live in a tiny little bubble of acceptance land, where we don’t discriminate and we don’t judge. But I have to believe that kids elsewhere might feel the same way.

I wrote in a previous blog about a Virginia students’ fight to use the boys’ restroom. The kids didn’t have a problem with it. The school board had an issue, and they’re the ones who raised it up to the court level, fighting to make this student use the girl’s room even though he identifies as male. If the kids don’t care, why are we adults making it a huge deal?

Maybe, just maybe, our children are more open and accepting than we are. As we strive to teach them lessons — in the classroom, in the home, and in their lives — they’re learning. Let them learn well the lesson of acceptance. And please let us be the ones to teach it. Because right now, it seems that we’re the ones that could use some schoolin’.

The only thing we have to fear is…not what you think.

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I just read a blog that damn near knocked my socks off. Which is a pretty good feat (feet?) since I was barefoot at the time.

The blog neatly lists reasons we don’t need to fear transgendered people, each as important as it is accurate. I’ll shorten the explanations here but I encourage you to read the full blog, with or without socks. You don’t even need to worry about whether the lights are on or off when you read it. I promise it’s not scary.

Culled from Chase Strangio’s blog, here is his list of why we don’t need to be afraid of those who are transgendered:

  1. The existence of trans people does not threaten the privacy of anyone else.

  2. Trans women and girls are women and girls. Full stop. They are not “biological males” or “men pretending to be women.” Same is true for trans men and boys.

  3. Extending legal protections to transgender people,including when it comes to using restrooms and locker rooms, does not threaten the safety of anyone else. (The bolded typeface is my addition – I wanted to be sure you saw it.)

  4. Policing of gender or genitals in restrooms is bad for everyone.

  5. Anti-trans laws are not about restrooms, locker rooms, safety, or privacy but about expelling trans people from public life.

Just think about that last one for a second. “Expelling trans people from public life.” That’s what would’ve left me sockless, had I been wearing said socks.

Who are we to expel anyone from anything? Did we learn nothing from the Holocaust? From the Civil Rights movements in the ’60s? We don’t get to control groups of people simply because they look, believe or act differently than us.

I’ve got two points to make here. In discussing this issue with people on both sides of HB2, the “Bathroom Law,” the biggest argument I hear in favor of it is from people worried about their children’s safety. They say they are concerned that child predators could use this as a means to sneak into a restroom, intent on harm. If that’s true, it’s not trans people we’re afraid of, it’s child predators. Totally different issue. Let’s penalize them instead of the trans community, shall we? That’s point one.

Point two is really hard for me to write because 1) I know I’m gonna really piss some people off and 2) I don’t often publicly call out anyone. But I am boldly coming out and saying I fear that – for a majority of people who support it – HB2 is a thin excuse to shun a part of society that isn’t understood. Trans people mean no harm. They’re trying to live the life they feel most comfortable in. The sad truth is, not everyone else can get comfortable with that. If so, it’s not the trans people we have a problem with: it’s us.

Whoa.

Who’s scary now?

The bottom line is this: Transgendered people are not asking for our approval. They’re not even asking for anything extraordinary. They’re simply asking not to be “expelled from public life” through discrimination. Which, the last time I checked, happens to be illegal.

Bullies or Bigots?

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With lawsuits flying back and forth between the US Justice Department and the state of North Carolina, there’s a whole lotta drama going on. NC Gov. Pat McCrory seems to think the government is confused about its HB2 law, otherwise known as the “Bathroom Law.” The state sued the Government, and the Government sued back. Think of it as Civil War 2.0.

McCrory is fundraising for his campaign’s re-election, asking supporters to “fight back against the federal government’s overreach and bullying tactics.” He seems to think that the government threatening to withhold federal funding as a result of HB2 is overreaching. The government says, “McCrory, you’re about as wrong as pairing okra with ice cream.” It’s a matter of equal rights for all.

I love Attorney General Loretta Lynch’s statement to the LGBT community:

“Let me also speak directly to the transgender community itself. Some of you have lived freely for decades. Others of you are still wondering how you can possibly live the lives you were born to lead. But no matter how isolated or scared you may feel today, the Department of Justice and the entire Obama Administration wants you to know that we see you; we stand with you; and we will do everything we can to protect you going forward.”

Wow. For all of the times I’ve complained about Government losing sight of the people it’s supposed to protect – which is frequently, sadly – I believe they got it right this time.

(By the way, for you trivia buffs, Obama is the first president to ever mention the word “transgender” in a State of the Union speech. I know, you probably thought Washington said it, but he probably glossed over it in favor of things like Valley Forge and paddling across the Potomac. Different priorities, I guess.)

Of course, it remains to be seen who will win this particular battle. Each day seems to bring a new development for the so-called Bathroom Law. What do you think? Is the Government overstepping its bounds by enforcing equal rights and cutting off funding to NC?  Is NC discriminating against the LGBT community?