Fair warning: Expect potty humor in this post. A shit-ton of it.

The bathroom debate has opened up some new ways of thinking. It’s been interesting to watch the discussion develop, with both sides equally convinced they are right on the mark. There are those who say they are concerned for their safety, and those who say everyone should be allowed to use the bathroom of the gender they identify with. (Excuse the dangling participle, please. Better than a dangling dingleberry, right?)

In thinking about this whole issue, let’s put the seat down on the debate for a second and consider exactly how this could work. (Consider it stalling, if you will.) If it’s mandated that people have to use the bathroom of the gender that is on their birth certifcate, how would that that enforced?

My college professor, Joyce Dodd, came up with the answer below on Facebook and agreed to let me share it here. She’s identified a possible solution that not only ensures that people use the correct bathroom, but creates jobs too! (Insert Joyce-approved sarcasm here.)

Assuming there will be no return to outhouses, which were all gender, how about this? Businesses hire sex identity checkers for each of two restrooms. A male checker would be in a little stall outside the men’s room and those entering would be required to show their private parts before entering. After passing the check, a token would be given to the person who would give it back after going to the bathroom. A female checker also would be placed in same type of stall to check female privates to ascertain female parts. Same token protocol. Checkers would have to qualify themselves via a 20-page background probe, including fingerprints and appropriate swabs. A Ph.D in anything or professional practice in a related field would be a minimum requirement. This opportunity would be golden with the ratspatootie economy being what it is. Whether this would be a federal or state program would have to be decided by the federal or state governments.

 Tax payer dollars for genitalia identification. Seems like someone could make a hell of a campaign slogan out of that somehow. Like, “No pee gets by me!” Or “Penis or Venus – put stalls between us!”  Chime in and comment if you’ve got an idea for it. Maybe you’ll see it in the November election!

In all seriousness, I’m really curious about how this would be enforced. Do you have any suggestions – sarcastic or otherwise? How do you propose enforcing the correct gender for each bathroom?