Tag Archives: #lgbt

It Took Them a Lifetime to Marry

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This weekend, I had the honor of attending the reception for friends who recently got married after 41 years together. FORTY. ONE. YEARS.

Why didn’t they get married sooner?

They weren’t allowed.

They’re gay.

But their sexual preference is not what defines these two wonderful people. They’re both incredibly talented performers. They have hearts of gold. They are fun, funny, and downright NICE people. They just happen to be the same gender. And as a result, these two men who’ve been together nearly as long as I’ve been alive couldn’t legally be married until recently.

It’s really ironic to me. I know plenty of straight folks who can’t sustain a relationship longer than a few months. I also know some who were married and divorced in the span of three years. (Raising my own hand, here.) Hollywood marriages are infamous for their brevity; we laugh when we hear about those legal unions that last days or maybe months, and put bets on how long the next union will “stick.”

But those marriages are “okay” because they’re between a man and a woman, right?

Before I go any further, yes, of course I am familiar with the 2015 Supreme Court ruling that same-sex marriages are now legal. My point is, why in the hell did it take us so long to get to this point?

As I watched this pair happily, freely, and LEGALLY celebrate their union, surrounded by nearly 100 family and friends, it brought to mind the injustice they faced for four decades. And it reminded me of the injustices they — and countless others — still face in the form of discrimination, benefits denial, hate crimes, or even dirty looks and snide comments by people who just don’t get it.

I’m so very grateful to know this pair, and even more grateful they can now legally share their lives. And I hope that as a society we’ll continue on this path of recognizing people as  equal. We have a long way to go, but thank God for baby steps.

And congrats to the newlyweds!

 

Update: She’s Out

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AthenaI promised to update this blog when I learned more about Athena Cadence, the trans prisoner who was on a hunger strike because she was being housed in the male pod of a California prison.

She’s free.

Here’s a quick reminder of her story: Cadence was sentenced for misdemeanor assult. She started a hunger strike to fight for a change in her housing situation. At this particular penitentiery, trans prisoners are housed together, but within the men’s housing area of the jail – which is against jail policy. During her two-month stint of not eating solid foods, Cadence lost 40 pounds and went to the hospital three times. A judge released her last week and she went straight back to the hospital to start being reintroduced to a regular diet.

Cadence complained several times about harrassment by prison staff. The grievances she filed did nothing to change things during her stay, but jail officials say they are investigating her complaints.

There are two other trans inmates still being held there. I hope that while Cadence’s hunger strike didn’t change things for her personally, perhaps her actions will help them and future trans prisoners.

I’ll keep you posted!

 

Does the Golden Rule Always Apply?

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golden ruleI don’t know many people who enjoy going through security at an airport. (I probably don’t know ANY, but I haven’t asked everyone I know so I’m erring on the side of caution here.) It’s a cumbersome and time-consuming process, and if you have to go through a pat-down, it feels downright invasive.

I imagine for someone who’s trans, it can be even more uncomfortable.

This article talks about how the TSA got it right when Amanda Sapir was in the airport. Machines marked her as a man, but the security agent on duty handled the situation well when Amanda told her she was female and trans masculine. Amanda probably expected her to react negatively. But lo and behold, the agent was kind, courteous and non-judgmental. And perhaps one of the nicest parts of the whole exchange was the agent’s comment when Amanda thanked her for being so cool about her situation. The agent said:

I love people. We should be kind to everyone.

Isn’t that the truth? Such a simple philsophy. Be kind. To everyone.

Why is that so difficult?

It’s easy in theory. Be nice. Most of us learn The Golden Rule somewhere around kindergarten – treat others as you’d like to be treated. It shouldn’t matter if they’re the same age as you, the same income bracket, or work at the same company. The Golden Rule doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t say, “Except if you disagree about politics.” There’s no addendum about, “Unless they’re redheads with green eyes.” No clause about laywers, drug addicts or janitors. And it sure doesn’t say, “Except if they are LGBT.”

And yet we find ways to be unkind to others all the time. Maybe it’s undertipping a server. Or the driver who passes a homeless person and yells, “Go get a job!” Even those who cut ties to someone on FaceBook because they support a different candidate. They’re all forms of being unkind to another human being.

And those who are LGBT face it every day. Judgement. Job discrimination. Violence. Why? I cannot wrap my head around it. They’re just doing their thing. They’re not hurting me. It doesn’t affect my life one little bit if they’re sleeping with their own gender, in a same-sex marriage, cross dressing or taking hormones. They’re living their life and I’m living mine. Just like the janitor. The drug addict. The redhead with green eyes. Even the lawyer.

How much better could this world be if we just took that TSA agent’s comment to heart and lived it every day?

We should be kind to everyone.

Even those who support a different political candidate. 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do Women Belong in Prison With Men?

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I’ve never been behind bars, but I gotta figure it sucks. And if being in jail weren’t bad enough, this woman is fighting for more than her freedom. The 29-year-old trans woman is battling for her rights to be jailed with other women.

Athena Cadence has been on a hunger strike since June 1 (more than 55 days now), hell-bent on convincing prison officials to house her in the women’s cell block.

Athena was convicted on three counts of  misdemeanor assault. She is one of three trans women currently being held in men’s housing. The three of them are in a pod together in the men’s section, which is in strict violation of a policy announced within the last year.

Last September, the former sheriff of the San Francisco County jail announced that transgender women would be housed with other women rather than alone. It was a step toward integration…but it hasn’t happened yet. Athena is demanding that be implemented by refusing to eat. (She’s been on a self-imposed liquids-only diet since June 1.)

She’s got plenty of public supporters and a hashtag: #LetWomenIntoWomensHousing. She just doesn’t have the support of the prison system despite starving herself. Because, hey, what’s food?

Here’s my point: it’s pretty well known that prison is a less-than pleasant place. One might even call it violent. (Insert sarcasm here.) It’s also well known that people in the trans community face more violence than the average joe. So why is this so hard to figure out?

Women don’t belong in the men’s section of a prison. Period. If Athena was female at birth, she’d be housed with women, no questions asked.

When I started researching this story, I saw that Athena was supposed to have a court date yesterday (July 25). I can’t find any information on what happened in court, but I’ll update this blog when I do. In the meantime, I hope prison officials in San Francisco and elsewhere reconsider how to handle their trans population.

The trans community suffers enough as it is. Treatment like this is simply more unnecessary, and possibly deadly, discrimination.

(photo from SF Examiner)

 

Today’s Version of the Scarlet Letter

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Did you hear the one about the transgender high school boy who was told to wear a green wristband at school so everyone knows he’s trans?

Sadly, it’s not a joke.

16-year-old Ash Whitaker is suing the Kenosha Unified School District for planning to make him and other trans students wear a bright green bracelet, identifying them as transgender students.

The Wisconsin school district had proposed this was a way to alert teachers to stop Ash from entering the boys bathroom, since he was born female. Hello? Did we learn nothing from North Carolina? Or Virginia?

In my time learning about the trans community, one thing has been made pretty clear: trans people don’t want to stand out… they want to blend in! They don’t want the spotlight. They’re not in your face about their identity. They simply want to be who they feel they were born to be, usually as quietly as possible.

Forcing them to wear a green wristband is about as subtle as a Scarlet A.

In Ash’s case, fellow students know he is trans. In fact, he was nominated for prom king – a nomination that school officials blocked until protests forced them to change their mind. Officials still refer to him with female pronouns and use his female name, despite his requests that they do otherwise.

Other trans students may not be as open, and these green wristbands “out” them.

The lawsuit Ash filed states that school officials must treat him, and all trans students, as their preferred identities and stop any discrimination against transgender students.

I have middle-school aged kids and for years have watched their schools make huge proclamations about bullying: how it won’t be tolerated, how everyone should be treated equally and with respect.

How is forcing these students to wear wristbands not a form of bullying? You’re not treating them equally. You’re not respecting them. You’re singling them out, and making them bigger targets for those who are just looking for someone to pick on.

Shame on you, Kenosha Unified School District. I hope Ash wins his lawsuit. And I hope someday, you’ll get a good, old-fashioned lesson in acceptance. You sure need one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who’s In, Who’s Out?

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In my continuing quest to learn more about the LGBT community, I’m often surprised at what I find out. (‘Cause let’s face it, you don’t know what you don’t know. Surprises are to be expected.)

For instance, I recently learned about the … hesitance … resistance … of those who are L or G or B to include the T in this group. There are apparently many who don’t feel that trans folks belong in the LGBT community.

Wow. Okay. I didn’t see that coming.

Their argument is that those who are transgendered don’t really fit within a group that’s really more about sexual preferences than genders.

One one hand, I guess I can see that. On the other hand … how and when did the “T” get added to this collection of acronyms anyway?

I don’t live within this group – I am just trying to understand more about it, and perhaps to educate others if they’re interested in what I’m learning. With that said, I gotta say it never crossed my mind that transsexuals don’t belong in the LGBT world. Maybe I got used to seeing these letters together and just assumed they fit. But I think it was more that I figured each person who identifies differently was kind of in the same boat. Misunderstood, mistreated, and misjudged. Marginalized by a culture that likes things neat and tidy, with too little room for those who don’t “fit the norm.” I guess I thought there’d be solidarity for those who feel on the outs with society.

I was wrong.

Or maybe those who want to keep trans folk out are the ones who’re off base?

I’m not calling anyone out here, I promise. I’m also not trying to start a debate. I am genuinely curious to hear from people on both sides of this argument, so I can better understand the thinking. I have no dog in this fight, as they say. (And who is “they,” anyway? I’ll save that for another blog post.)

What do you think … does “T” belong in “LGBT” or no?

Who Transitioned With You?

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When someone transitions, they’ve no doubt put a whole lotta thought and heart into the decision. It’s a commitment that will affect the rest of their lives.

While they’re the ones who undergo the physical changes to alter their gender, they’re not the only ones affected. Family and friends are impacted, regardless of whether they agree with the choice.

I read a great article about this today and I thought I’d share it here. It discusses the story of Dade Barlow and Tiffany Grimes who were married as a same-sex couple before Barlow,  born female, transitioned to become a male. It’s a fascinating tale of watershed realizations and true love.

One of Barlow’s quotes struck me:

If you don’t recognize that your partner is having a process as well, your relationship is not going to work. It’s affecting both of you, so you need to pause and give breathing room.

It’s so true. While Barlow’s wife didn’t transition, she did ‘have a process,’ as he stated. Grimes said she actually “grieved” the loss of her wife before she could accept her new husband. She had to come to understand this was not a choice … it was who he was meant to be, and she needed to come to terms with that before she could move forward by his side.

The couple remained married and now has a child together.

For every story like this (and there likely aren’t many), there are hundreds more in which the partner couldn’t accept the decision and the couple split up. And then there are parents who can’t – or won’t – accept a child’s decision to transition. In these cases, the loved ones’ lives are altered in different ways, but impacted nonetheless.

For anyone who’s transitioned, I’d love to hear about how those around you “had a process,” whether it is a parent, spouse, or friend. Please feel free to share your story by commenting below or privately messaging me, if you prefer.

And for those who’ve gone through a loved one’s transition by their side, bravo for supporting them. Whether you agree or even understand, you embody the words “unconditional love.” And these days, that’s no small feat.

What’s Another Word for “Ballsy?”

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Guts. Chutzpah. Cahones. There are plenty of words to describe bravery. Who knew I’d be using them in this post to talk about children?

We hear about more people becoming comfortable with leading their authentic life and transitioning after years of feeling like they were born in the wrong body. I cringe to think of how uncomfortable that must have been for them, waking up each day and feeling like they just didn’t “fit.”

Which is why I’m so impressed when I read about young people who are figuring it out, and doing something about it, sooner. Like Jazz Jennings, star of TLC’s reality show, “I am Jazz.” Born a male, she’s a 14-year-old transgender female who’s been living as a girl since kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN! At such a young age, she knew! Her parents have been by her side the entire time, helping her to transition and be as comfortable as she can as a female.

And my sister just sent me a link to this article about Coy Mathis. Coy is now nine years old and featured in Growing Up Coy, a new documentary chronicling the Mathis family’s life. Coy was born a male but figured out pretty quickly she was supposed to have been female. She was six when she asked to use the girl’s restroom at her elementary school in Colorado. Six. I think at that point I was still trying to tie my shoes. (I’m slow sometimes.)

First, I’m in awe of these kids who know themselves so well at such a young age. I’m still figuring out who I am as a full-blown supposed grownup. Did I mention I am slow sometimes? These young people have a much better sense of self than I ever hope to have. And they’re a helluva lot more adorable besides.

I’m equally impressed with their parents for being incredibly supportive of a situation that they may not quite understand. That takes guts in a culture that often ostracizes, fears and shuns anyone who doesn’t fit the expected “norm.” Think about it: parents want to protect their children from hurt, harm and hate. And yet, by embracing their child and helping them to feel comfortable in their own skin, these parents are blamed by an often-judgmental society who not only spurns their child but also accuses them of coddling or confusing their kid. Wow. Talk about a tough spot.

There is plenty of sensitivity about this topic, and I’m beginning to understand why members of the trans community are reluctant, hesitant or even downright terrified to live their authentic lives. Fear of persecution is a pretty strong deterrent. I applaud those who choose to do so, whether they’re 8 years old or 80. Maybe if more young people choose to live their authentic lives, they’ll give others the courage others to follow suit. And if and when they do, I wish for them acceptance at every turn, from self-acceptance to inclusion.

I’m gonna wrap this up with a quote I love by Jessica Lange:

 “Acceptance and tolerance and forgiveness. Those are life-altering lessons.”

I can’t wait for us all to learn.

And I can’t believe I used “ballsy” in a headline.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ancient ancestors had it right

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You know how they say we can learn from the past? That applies to so many things. War. Economics. Fashion. And yes, even gender.

Maybe, just maybe, previous generations were on to something. Like the Native Americans, who recognized five genders. FIVE!

I find that fascinating. I learned so much in a  great article my sister shared with me. (The whole article is here.) In a nutshell, many many years ago, Native Americans recognized these five genders: male, female, Spirit male, Spirit female, and transgendered. They weren’t just inclusive … the article said people then were REVERED for being different:

In fact, people who had both female and male characteristics were viewed as gifted by nature, and therefore, able to see both sides of everything.

Sadly, that acceptance went by the wayside when European Christians got into the mix and started enforcing their own gender roles onto others. Religious influence brought prejudice with it, and forced openly androgynous people into choosing to live as either male or female.

Know another interesting thing? The Native Americans weren’t alone. Other older cultures were also more open minded than we are today, and seemed to live in harmony that way for eons.

Check out an article in the New York Times about how a Mexican town recognizes three genders, and has for generations. “Muxes” are people are born into male bodies but who identify as neither male nor female. They’re not only not ostracized, they’re also recognized as special. And they have been accepted as part of the everyday culture for years. According to the article:

A mixed-gender way of life was accepted in several pre-Columbian communities across Mexico, according to anthropologists and colonial accounts. It is unclear when the muxe tradition originated in Juchitán, or how it endured.

Unfortunately, like our own recent news, a bathroom controversy is brewing in this small Mexican community. Students at a local university there have recently complained – claiming hygiene issues – and now muxes are left without a bathroom when they’re at school. I am intrigued by the fact that muxes are mixed on whether having a third bathroom is a solution. Some think it’ll ease tensions; others feel it will create a bigger divide.

That’s something I haven’t seen discussed much here in the US. It’s easy to assume that labeling a bathroom as ‘non-gendered’ would fix our recent fights and calm the fears.

But would it? Or would it simply serve to further ostracize a group that already feels like outsiders, often even in their own bodies?

I’m sad to think this small Mexican community, which for generations has accepted its own for who and what they are, now has had even a slight shift in how it views its mixed-gender residents. I can only hope that they’ll consider the past … and rethink the future.

I guess I wish that for all of us.

 

 

Trans-parent, See?

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I was talking with a friend this week. He’s a trans dad and we discussed how that is different than any other father. I found it interesting that he doesn’t see many differences.

Sure, there’s the obvious: he didn’t actually father his son, because he’s trans. So like anyone who’s having fertility issues or for whatever reason doesn’t have a partner that can offer up those little swimmers, he and his wife used a donor.

They agreed his wife would carry the child, but that he would have a bigger say in who the donor would be. He’s half Japanese and wanted to find a donor that was too, so there was a greater likelihood that the baby would resemble him. But that’s something anyone who’s using fertility methods might take into consideration.

Are there issues? So far, no. Just some questions. My friend pointed out that there would come a time when he and his wife have to decide whether to tell their adorable son that his father is trans. There are definitely some decisions to make, but they’re not specifically related to my friends’ transition. Instead, they’re they same kinds of decisions any adoptive parent would have to make, or anyone else who came into parenthood in an alternative way: When and how to explain to a child how he or she came into being into its family.

I just found it really cool that … despite his transition … my friend sees himself as an ordinary dad with the same issues that any parent faces: keeping his child safe, raising a good kid, and being a role model for the next generation.

The more I learn about the transgender community, the more I learn they are so much more similar than many people think. They simply want to love and be loved, to accept and be accepted, and to live a good life. It seems the world at large still has a hard time seeing that, whether it’s due to a lack of understanding or choosing not to.

Are you a trans parent? Do you know one? I’d love to hear whether you’ve had a different experience than my friend. Perhaps by sharing it here, you’ll help someone else who’s facing a similar circumstance.

Happy Father’s Day to the trans dads out there. And to all the trans community, I will continue to learn – and do my best to educate others – about you.

With love and acceptance,

Lynn